A Wooden Heart Inside this Iron Ship

It’s been a while since I’ve written, I have been super busy and working to figure out what’s next for me after I leave this place. I’ve had a couple of interviews with a few opportunities and one with City Year in Miami looks really promising. I have a second interview the day after I get back into the States, so I would appreciate prayer in that. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it means to follow God’s calling in my life, especially in this time of transition and making decisions about where my life is headed next. I just want to be where I’m supposed to be.

Yesterday morning I translated from Spanish into English for the first time in front of a group of like 50 people. It felt awesome! We have different staff members share their testimonies, or their stories each morning so that the American volunteers who come down can get to know them better and hopefully take something away from knowing what others have been through. Alberto is Dominican and knows a lot of English, but I understand full well how difficult it is to try to share your heart in a second language, so he spoke in Spanish and I translated for the volunteers. It was far from perfect, and I had to have him repeat a few things, but it felt so good knowing my Spanish is at least good enough to try. That was a huge accomplishment for me, though I didn’t even know I was working towards it.

Last weekend we only had one day off, because our last group is a one week team and they arrived on Sunday, instead of Monday like we have been used to. To relax on Sunday afternoon, we visited some friends who were staying at a hostel with a pool. It felt so great to be out in the sun and to be with new friends. I got a little sunburned (figures) but it was so nice to be able to relax with them.

On Saturday last weekend we went over to Vanesa’s house. She is the staff dentist here who runs her own clinic. She had a few of us over to teach us how to make a few Dominican drinks, including Morir Sonando (means “to die while dreaming”), pina coladas, and Dominican coffee made in a stovetop greca. Again for that day, it was great to get off base and do something other than what is scheduled into our normal routine. Vanesa’s husband Jose works at a Young Life camp on the other side of town and the recently installed a giant swing on their campus. Vanesa hadn’t done it before, so we decided to go over there to try the swing. SO FUN! I went up with Vanesa and another intern, Ellie. We couldn’t figure out how to pull the release cord so when we finally went, it was awesome. It also started to rain while we were up in the swing. It was actually super fun to get stuck in one of the trademark Caribbean downpours of rain.

This week I have a really cool opportunity to drive out to a tiny rural community to pick up volunteers early for some activities they are doing. The community is called Mata Gorda and while I was here in 2010, the drive out there was one of my favorites. It’s way out in the mountains and there is a 20 minute drive to get out to the preschool that SI has out there. I love driving on the ridiculous dirt roads and just being a spectator in the lives of those people, if only in passing. Yesterday while I was driving, I found myself wishing that my eyes could be cameras so that I could show all of you the beautiful life that these people live. I saw an older man shaving his face outside of his hut, children playing with cars made out of old oil bottles, cows resting in front of a house and the clouds rolling in over the mountains. Driving out there leaves me so in awe of this place, and of creation. I will miss this beauty. 

This morning while doing our morning routine I had a really cool opportunity to hear from some of the students about the things that they are learning and the experiences they’ve already had. Hearing some of those words helped me to know that what we are doing here matters, and that we are making a difference in the lives of other people. one of the students was really impacted by the way that people here living in poverty have found ways to be incredibly satisfied with their lives, regardless of the fact that they are materially in poverty. It reminds me of what I learned while I was here in 2010 about there being different types of poverty: material, poverty of spirit, emotional poverty, etc. Another student commented on how it is possible for two people to connect with little or no use of a shared language. I know this well having lived here with little Spanish experience, but a smile or other small gestures go a really long way and two people can change each other with something so small. It makes me think about the small ways I am being intentional with other people to show them that they are loved or that I care.

It’s been hard to know that the end of my time here is coming soon, because as a rule I’m pretty bad at saying goodbye and finding closure in my experiences. For two days next week we will be at a resort on a beach where we will do some debriefing activities that will hopefully help all of us to say goodbye to this place and this experience. I will dearly miss being a part of such a beautiful community. I will miss the sense of adventure here and knowing that each day will be different and full of something exciting. There is no such thing as monotony in this country or in this job, I will miss that. I will miss speaking Spanish, and meeting new people all of the time. I will miss feeling like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be and that I have purpose in being here. I will miss the way that deep and honest conversations just come up effortlessly and regularly. I have a feeling in my heart that when I leave the Dominican Republic next Wednesday that it will be the last time I am here. It will be sad to go, knowing the impact this place and these people have had on my life in my two experiences here. I am so thankful for the beautiful opportunities and memories I’ve had here, RD will forever be in my heart.

This is a song I’ve been stuck on the past few days, I hope you love it too J

You're the Only One Who Brings me Peace.

So sorry I skipped out on posting last week. I’ve been researching nonstop to try to figure out what I’m doing after this summer.  My tentative plan is to have a gap-year of some sort (work, internship, discipleship program) and then go to graduate school in the fall of 2013. I feel like I’ve scoured the internet for programs that are interesting to me, and are paid for, and I’ve come up with some pretty good options. I’ve had two interviews over the phone and I still haven’t found the one that sounds perfect to me, but I’m praying that God will lead me to where I need to be. It’s exciting and overwhelming at the same time to feel like I have a lot of options, but I know that it will all work out.

This week will be our last full two week outreach, the final group for the summer is staying just for one week. After that we will go to the beach for a couple of days and then I’ll be on my way back to the states! Just three more weeks! I feel like this summer has absolutely flown by! The group that we have here is the biggest group we’ve had all summer, which is actually super fun. They are high school students, so I feel like they kind of just do their own thing and they’re really excited about everything, makes me job really easy!

Last weekend we went to a beach called Cabarete on the north side of the island. It’s so nice to be able to get away for just a day and be somewhere absolutely beautiful. We ate at an Irish Pub on the beach (kind of an oxy-moron) and I spent the afternoon walking and talking with Ellie, one of the beautiful interns here. The waves at that beach were a little bit bigger so it was really fun to play in them and sit on the beach. Cabarete is one of the more touristy beaches, which was actually really fun for us because there was just more stuff there. The beach we went to two weeks ago was more of a best-kept-secret kind of thing, this was nice because there was good food and some people did some shopping for their families at home.

Over the past couple of weeks I feel like I’ve really been able to have good quality time with people here. Vicki and I have found a few spaces of beautiful conversation and good time together. I’ve been sharing my story with a few of the interns here, it feels good to be known. Her beautiful little girl Julia, who was born the day after I got here is beautiful and growing quickly. It's been a while since I've been around an infant regularly, and I absolutely love it. She is so loved.

I made a list the other day of things that I love. I know it sounds cheesy, but I was feeling kind of down and it was just an exercise in thankfulness. Feeling known by other people is something I’ve realized is very important to me. I want to feel understood, as well as to understand others. As I’m looking towards my future, I know that this is something I need to keep in mind. My heart beats quickly for building community and getting to know other people’s hearts, and to have others know mine. Although this is not necessarily a job description, I know that I want to be able to drop roots somewhere and build honest relationships.

There’s a Dominican woman who works here at SI who has been an incredible encouragement in my life lately. Her name is Miriam and she is an older woman who works at the microfinance site. Her job includes processing micro-loans for women in poor communities so that they can start small businesses and support themselves. Over the past couple of weeks I’ve gone with her a couple of times into the community, and she just has a special way about her when she is with people. She is soft spoken and kind, has an awesome sense of humor and she genuinely cares for people. She makes me feel safe and loved. If I have a mother-figure here at the base she is probably it.  One of the life-goals for many Dominicans is to move to the US and make more money than they could here, but I have heard Miriam say that she never wants to, that she is happy here, which is a huge testimony to the Dominican women she serves about being content where one is at. Last week she stopped me after a meeting and pulled me aside kind of awkwardly and simply said, “Margie, tu futuro está en la mano de Dios, no te preocupes in eso.” “Margie, your future is in God’s hand, don’t worry yourself about it.” afterwards she walked away, and I was left knowing that I will never forget that moment. I hadn’t talked to her about my worries about my future, she didn’t know that I have been struggling with knowing what’s next. She’s a special lady and I am honored to know her.

I’ve been extremely impacted by this song lately, my God is the only one who brings me peace in times of stress, trouble, exhaustion, frustration. So glad I have a hiding place, comfort. I feel like God has been asking me to simply wait and listen for his direction for my future, for the next year and this song has been super comforting. Listen for a minute if you have time. 

my DReams are these sails that i point toward my true north

What a long week!  It’s hard to think about what I’ve done each day because my days here are so long and so full! I’ve been getting up at about 6:25 each day and going strong until 10 at night.  Each day for me here looks different, sometimes I have more office work to do, other days I spend more time out in the community. The group that has been here has required a lot of extra care so that has been a big part of what I’ve been up to this week, driving people around and caring for people who are sick. The general consensus is that this team has been more needy than most, and we have had a lot of obstacles in the past two weeks. We had a break-in on campus followed by the trial, a girl had a seizure, a man broke his finger, most people have been sick and high-schoolers are just plain difficult to deal with sometimes. A big part of my job is to encourage others in their work, so I’ve felt especially drained in encouraging others in the face of such a difficult group.

Like I said, there was a robbery in one of the cabins of girls here on Saturday night while we were all in town. The 16-year-old boy was caught by our campus caretaker/guard and he was taken to trial in La Vega, which is kind of like the seat of the county. It was found out that he is from a financially stable family, he robbed the cabin as a kind of dare or gang initiation by some other young boys. Because he is so young, he was sentenced to return all stolen objects, and to work on our campus pay-free for 30 days. The girls whose cabin was broken into were able to meet the boy, talk to him, and forgive him in the end. Although I wouldn’t necessarily wish this experience on anyone, it is cool to see the way that God works all things for good. I hope that the girls have learned much about themselves and forgiveness through this, and that the young man benefits from his time here, both as a person and spiritually. It’s so cool to see when a bad situation is turned into a beneficial and helpful one, only by God’s grace.

Last Thursday afternoon I was able to go to my old house and see Denis and Channey, my Dominican mom and brother. I was nervous to go, but it was so perfect when I got there. My Spanish came to life and I was able to say (most of) what I wanted to. They made some more changes at the house, the floors and walls in the kitchen and bathroom are tiled now. The house is built on the edge of a steep hill and they are building an apartment underneath Denis’ house for her oldest son, Aneudys and his wife and kids. Although I have two mothers in the States, there was a feeling of coming home when Denis hugged me. I continue to be thankful for the time I spent here in 2010, and it continues to change me. Channey is walking again since his bad moto accident last summer. It’s good to see him more the way that I remember him. When I was here in February, he had just had the metal brace removed from his knee that he wore for 8 months which kept his leg completely straight. Denis showed me off to a few of the ladies on her street, she is so proud that she has an ‘American daughter’ and that I have returned to see her twice. I am constantly reminded of the blessing that they are in that they treat me as one of their own, I am completely accepted with open arms. I find joy in this, but also sadness as my heart longs for the time that I was completely theirs. It is a difficult thing to be back in this place where I had a completely different experience, and to not wish to be back in that space. I have had to adjust my expectations for my time here, because this time things are different, though not bad by any means. Looking back, I can see clearly that my time here was a turning point in my life in many ways, I am so blessed to be back in this place.

Last night I stayed up way too late with two of the male interns and they shared their stories, their testimonies of faith with me. I am blown away and so thankful for this on a number of levels. I am grateful on the most basic level that I am building trusting relationships with me, where they felt comfortable to share the hardest parts of their stories with me. I was also encouraged in my own faith in hearing what God has done for those two young men, the redemption, peace and forgiveness that they have found. Josh did an activity with the interns (there are 8, 5 girls, 3 guys) last night where each person wrote an encouraging note to all of the others. It’s so cool to see the relationship these young people have built in 6 short weeks and the trust they have in one another. It’s been beyond amazing to be a part of a Godly community of young people again, I didn’t realize how much my heart missed it after I left school. I miss being in relationship with people who push me and make me think. Dare I say that I miss assignments that cause me to question what I believe? It’s so nice to be part of a group of people who are loving and encouraging and fun and deep all at the same time. I am again reminded of the part of me that is created to live in community with other people. “Our hearts are a bridge, let’s build bridges to each other.”

I have been feeling drained in a lot of ways, every possible way really and these past few days I have found energy in my faith. A friend of mine sent me a link to a sermon series called “The Question” where the pastor talks about the lack of passion that is so common in American Evangelicalism. As I sat on my bed and listened to it, CONVICTION hit me like a brick wall. I want to act out of a passionate need for intimacy with my Creator. Like David wrote in Psalm 42 and 63, I want to be dependent and utterly broken without intimacy with my Abba. Some of this may not make sense those of you not inside my brain and heart, and I know it sounds backwards to desire to be in need, but I consistently fail by my own strength. “I want more than this world has to offer.”

Over the weekend I was able to acquire the motorcycle that I will call mine for the rest of the summer. It’s a 125cc scooter with no clutch and a heel and toe shifter – confusing! Also, it says “happy” on the side J I am so thankful I took the NIU motorcycle class before I left, getting on this was a breeze. It’s so fun and freeing to have my own transportation. Traffic patterns here are WAY different than in the US, so it’s been interesting learning to drive here, no problems though! On Tuesday this week, I took the day off during the daytime and I met up with my friend Courtney. She was here with me during my semester, and recently started working with another organization in the area. We got lunch, went to the river and visited Josh, Vicki and Julia. It was so good to see an old friend and to be able to talk with someone about the frustrations I have with my responsibilities here. I have been feeling a weight on my chest for the past two weeks, and being with Courtney helped a lot. The weight is that there is a desire in me (I would argue in everyone) to be known. It is so energizing for me to be around a person who knows me, knows my heart. I know that these kinds of relationships take time and require trust, so I have been feeling impatient and lonely in a sense in my relationships with the interns. All of that to say it was incredible to spend time with Courtney where I felt like less time was spent on telling the back story of things and were just able to connect. Also, I am proud to say that I had a passenger on my motorcycle for the first time ever, free of mishaps, though every single Dominican stared at us because BOTH of us were wearing helmets (they NEVER wear them here).

T his weekend, we will finally have TWO WHOLE DAYS OFF. Everyone is really excited about being able to relax and not have such a crazy schedule. On Saturday we are going to a beach on the north side of the island, where I believe we can go snorkeling. For Sunday we talked about going to the upper waterfall on the Jimenoa River to spend the day relaxing. When thinking about where I am, I have these moments of clarity that absolutely blow my mind. When I walk out of my house in the morning, I am greeted by the view of the mountains in the morning air. When I am outside on a clear night, above my head lies the most beautiful night sky. I am entirely amazed at the beauty of this country, praise God that I get to be here. So thankful.

My heart has found hope in these moments.

Same Mind, Same Love

My experience thus far has been interesting to say the least. For the whole summer, we have groups come down for two week trips, and we had just seen the last group off on Saturday morning when we found out that one of teams here for the next 2 weeks came down 2 days early. 30 extra people to care for 2 days early, needless to say there was some small freak-outs, but everyone pitched it and we made it through the weekend. I am so impressed by the people, especially the interns, that I am working with. The staff here gets Saturday afternoon through Monday afternoon completely off every other weekend, and that is their only official time off during the summer. I am so impressed by the interns here who just jumped into action and said very few negative comments about missing out on their weekend off. I was glad for the timing of my arrival because I was still feeling pretty rested and fresh (not anymore!) for the weekend.

Since they are back in town, I have been able to meet with Josh a few times, which has been super helpful. Josh and Vicki are the missionary couple who I am helping this summer, and he is back (finally) from his week of baby leave. It’s nice to have someone to give me more direction and to let me know what I’m doing well and what things I need to work harder at. Josh and Vicki are super good at their jobs, and they’ve really created and developed the position they have, so there are a lot of things that they just do that others don’t exactly realize. This is okay, except for when both of them are out of town and I’m trying to learn the jobs that no one but they can teach me J Everyone here has been super helpful and encouraging though, so that’s good. I thought that for interest’s sake, I would post a typical schedule for myself if anyone was interested in reading it:

6:00 – wake up
6:35 – quiet time
7:20 – announcements, worship, staff testimony
8:00 – breakfast
8:45 – see teams off to their work sites for the day
9:00-4:00 – odd jobs including emailing and office work, binding books, preparing hostess gifts,  taking photos of volunteers at work, helping Josh and Vicki at home, etc.
4:00-6:00 – free time, spent with the volunteers or the interns
6:00 – dinner
7:00 – evening activity – culture night, team time, game night, dinner in the community, etc.
10:00ish – bed

I do most of the announcements for the groups, as well as some of the base orientation when they first arrive here. The job that I am helping with is really a catch-all kind of thing. I basically help with whatever needs to happen to make sure that the teams run smoothly and that people get the most out of their experience here. I answer a TON of questions, important ones and other not so seemingly important ones. It’s interesting to have arrived here so recently and to know that people are counting on me to know things about the base operations or the culture here, even the plant life on base J Another important part of my job is to be in relationship with people. I ask a lot of people how their days went, how they are feeling, or interesting things they saw that day. It’s been strange and exhausting for me sometimes to be outgoing all of the time, making me painfully aware of the fact that I am naturally an introvert. I think that I am being stretched and pushed in many ways already, and will continue to be all summer, making me (hopefully) a better person. I know already that this is incredible work experience and that I will be proud to put this experience on my resume, as I know that it is well worth mentioning.

I have had some beautiful moments with Dominicans here already, reminding me of the beautiful time I spent here in 2010. Roughly half of the staff here is Dominican, and I love being able to speak with them (in very broken) Spanish. I am still so amazed by the way that two hearts can connect even when we do not know all of the words to say to one another.

On Friday, I was able to spend the afternoon in El Callejon at the social work center where I worked when I was here for my semester. At the beginning of May, they were able to open up a new building for the women to meet in, and it brought tears to my eyes when I saw the new building in person for the first time. It is probably the nicest building in the whole neighborhood of El Callejon, and it makes me happy to know the beautiful things the women see, hear, make and talk about while within those walls. I saw some girls and one woman who I had worked with while I was here, and it brought me such joy that they remembered me, also that I could come up with the right names for them! I spent the day with Daisy and Kim there, helping them to make a craft and a lesson for the 11-12 year old girls. It was such a fun space of being with both new and old friends, passing a whole day together the way Dominicans are so good at doing.

I have been appreciating small things about the culture here, things that I have missed without even consciously knowing that I missed them. My heart is happy when I think of these things and remember my time here before. I love that I receive warm hugs often, which is so beautiful and encouraging (sorry Becky). I love the smell of the laundry I did today that I hung out on the line to dry in the sun and the breeze. It rained all of last weekend, which was a bummer except for the fact that I got to listen to it falling on the tin roof all of Friday afternoon. I love the food, rice and beans, chinola juice, coke in a glass bottle. The way that when I look out to the mountains in the morning, the beautiful colors are slightly muted in the morning mist.

My heart is happy and light J

Here's to beginnings :)

Today is my first full day here in the Dominican Republic, and it's as beautiful as ever. My day of travel yesterday was pretty uneventful. I met a girl on my plane from O'hare who is also coming to Jarabacoa for the summer, but she is doing a 6-week study abroad program through her university. What are the chances of meeting her?! Talking with someone going to the same place was so encouraging to me as this is my first big adventure as an adult and without a big group of travelers with me.

The missionary couple I am helping this summer, Josh and Vicki, went to the hospital Tuesday morning to be induced into labor, so I haven't been able to see them yet. So looking forward to seeing them again and meeting their beautiful new daughter, Julia Marcela :) I got in last night around 9:30 and the caretakers here showed me to my apartment. I'm in a different place than they had planned on putting me, but it's actually better and more private where I'm at, which is awesome.

This morning I went with Brian, the program director here, to visit Los Higos, one of the mountain communities. The ride up that mountain is so worth all of the stress and energy and planning and money that it took to get here. Sorry I don't have a picture, but it is absolutely breathtaking. While Brian fixed the toilet at the social work center there, I talked with the girls and met the summer intern working there. We had lunch at a woman named Mary's house. She's incredible, one of those people who kind of holds the community together and knows and cares for everyone. There are no quick visits here in RD, but I am glad for it. It's nice to just sit and talk, and also to notice how lacking my Spanish skills are, though I'm sure they will come back quickly. I hope.

I got a list of some of my duties this morning. I have quite a bit of office work, stuff with applications and journals. But I think it's a good balance with time spent interacting with people. One of my jobs I'm most excited about is that for a few days each week I will be taking photos of the volunteers at their work sites. This means that I will be out in the community more than I thought I would, and I also like taking pictures. Win-win.

I'm so looking forward this summer to being able to build relationships with people. I know that this place and this experience will once again change me, making me more into the woman that God wants me to be. I can't wait to see what this experience has in store for me :)

[dreams] as big as vultures eyes

so many thoughts. i met a new friend through an old friend here at school tonight and i've just been thinking. i was sharing with him over coffee what i think about community and relationships, and he asked me if i thought it was even possible in the US. wow. i feel like it's possible to recreating God-fearing community here, but it would be downright hard. there are a number of christian communities like this in the states, i just wonder if i'm called toward something different. maybe not. maybe i'm supposed to stay here and serve and love the very people i feel frustrated with sometimes. our conversation tonight at my favorite south bend irish pub started me thinking once again about my future and what that looks like. it would be a tragedy for me to have experienced what i did in the Dominican and to turn around and pursue the American dream. that has nothing that i desire. i feel so dissatisfied right now. that's not to say that i'm not happy, that i'm not incredibly blessed or that i don't have beautiful relationships. i just wonder if there is something so much greater in this life than graduating from college and starting the career ladder. there has got to be more for me than that. i'm realizing that i serve a God who desires for me to dream big. so i'm dreaming big. my heart is open, all of my options are open, i feel that i have been created for something great. god, lead me.

i've been thinking a lot about that "American Dream" lately. timing is interesting becuase we are talking in my US History class right now about how the american people started to lose sight of that dream in the 70's with Vietnam and Richard Nixon, up until this day, in this economy where for some people there is no hope or sight of that dream any longer. i just wonder what that dream really is. i'll be quick to admit that i still catch myself wanting money, things, popularity and a lot of friends on facebook. i'm not saying any of this out of a spirit of judgement or from a different platform. i am so much in the midst of it. i'm just questioning the point of this "dream". i mean, is there even one thing about the american dream that is biblical? security? maybe. happiness? not usually. status? yes, but does that matter? there are just so many questions i have about whether my goal in life would be to go to church on sundays but on monday join in on the rat race where there are winners and losers, and people who are left behind with hungry kids and cold fingers. i don't think king david, a man who is said to have been a man after God's own heart, wanted to have a new volkswagon or the biggest house on the block, complete with in-ground swimming pool and an environmentally friendly heating/cooling system. so why should i? i don't buy into the idea that the times have changed and that the american dream is the new normal or what God desires for us. i learned in the Dominican that i am not called to a life of comfort. why do i get to be comfortable when others are cold and hungry? because i'm white? becuase i'm an american? i thank God that i was blessed with these comforts, but i no longer require them.

i often ask myself that if God called me to leave everything and follow him, just as Jesus called the disciples in the New Testament. i'll be honest in saying that some days i feel like i would say yes, but most days i would hesitate, exposing my true heart. right now i'm finishing up Dorothy Day's autobiography. talk about a woman who left everything and followed God's calling in her life. now don't get all caught up in the fact that she was a Catholic or a political radical for a time, but think about her obedience, her commitment to her call. she only allowed herself a few years of her own life to 'live the dream', which she willingly gave up for her faith and her calling. reading about her life and her passion makes me feel like i just coast through life in a constant state of apathy. what was hers she gave away, welcoming others into her home, starting a movement which still to this day aides the poor and homeless in America. what a beautiful legacy. a legacy becuase she was obedient and did not allow her desire for comfort to get in the way of the vision that God placed on her heart. God, give my courage like hers to do the things you call me to do.

Just Open up Your Eyes and Look Past Your Front Door

these are some thoughts that i had today after my first class:

i think i am learning tha tthe end result of all of these changes that God is making in me is not that i would become bitter or jaded. as God develops my sense of discernment and i learn to see right and wrong in my life,  my college campus, the church, the point is not that i reject those things becuase i see wrong or sin in them. it's all about love right? i think the point in my newly developed heart of discernment is so i could be in love with the things that break my heart.
LOVE IT UNTIL IT LOVES YOU BACK
so many people get so bitter towards the hypocrisy on my college campus, but what would it look like if instead of turning my back on Bethel in judgement, if i embraced and loved on those people who claim one thing but live another way? i think bitterness, judgementalism, or escapism is just a cop-out, just as bad as being a hypocrite. i mean, all sins are equal before the throne of God right? more than hypocrisy, i am becoming disgusted by christians who abandon their brothers and sisters due to self-righteousness, judgement and superiority. it is not acceptable to claim Christ and reject our brothers and sisters. i have been so guilty of this sin in the past, but i so see the evidence of God speaking to me softly in this area. love. that's what it's about right? that's what i've been saying. it's so much easier to love the poor and the marginalized, becuase when we truly love our brothers and sisters in Christ, we are forced to face our own ugliness, our own filthy, broken souls. oh, that i would have the strength and courage to love the broken hypocrites around in me in this place, because i am nothing more than one of them. i hope that i will continue to be broken in this way. the destruction of my pride and self-righteousness. the destruction of my desire, and ultimately my very ability, to judge others. how can i go about desiring, yearning for community when i so quickly reject the very community that i live in? i am starting to see some of God's purpose in bringing me back to this place. to learn to truly love.

one of my professors showed us a video in class today of a pastor speaking on the crucifixion of Christ. it rocked me. his throught were that God's wrath was poured out on Christ as he hung on the cross. what is that even? throughout the old testament, i read about God's wrath and punishments and have often wondered why we do not experience that today. the answer is Jesus Christ. Jesus was not sweating blood in the garden before he was crucified because he was afraid of the physical pain of being crucified, the injustice of being sinless and on trial, or the embarassment of being before a crowd for unjust reasons. no, none of those things caused that kind of stress. Jesus sweat blood because he knew that God's wrath was about to be poured out on him. God's past wrath, his present wrath, and the biggest of all, the wrath, anger and fury for all of the sins yest to be committed against the law of God for all of the rest of history. what would it feel like to die for the future generation, to die for people that had not yet been created or made those bad decisions? this thought of God's wrath rocks everything i have learned about the crucifixion before. how we have cheapened Christ's sacrifice. Jesus' expereince was so much more than physical pain. this explains too why the martyrs of the first century endured horrific physical torture for the name of Christ, but Christ's sacrifice was the one that atoned for our sin. i don't understand what it would feel like to be one of mind with God but to still voluntarily bear the weight of God's wrath. what courage. what love. with this understanding, how could i ever again doubt that God loves me so much, so unconditionally?

I've Built a Wooden Heart inside this Iron Ship

I thought that last post was the end of this blog for a while, but even if no one reads this I need to get these thoughts out. Just as a disclaimer, I think that this blog will no longer serve as a way to let my friends and family know what I'm up to, but will now become a way for me to write down my thoughts. There are infinite ways in my life where I see the impact that my trip had on me. Everything, I mean absolutely everything is different now. Some of those things are incredible and encouraging changes, ones that I would never reverse, but some are heartbreaking and require a daily decision to change or work through. I have to daily check and make sure that I am not showing an attitude of superiority or judgement because many around me have not had an experience like the one I had. I also have to check myself and remember that not everyone is in a place of incredible growth and renewal as I am, some people are stuck in a place of complacency, even as I was for so long.

One thing that has been radically changed since my return from the Dominican is the way that I view the Holy Spirit. While I was gone, I read the book "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan, which talks all about how we have forgotten to teach about, to listen to the Holy Spirit. Growing up, I always knew that there was a third part of the Holy Trinity along with the Father and Son, but I never knew what the purpose of the Holy Spirit was. I heard a sermon recently where the pastor talked about the Holy Spirit, saying that what we normally call a "concsience" is really the Holy Spirit speaking truth to us and leading us in the right and healthy direction. The Holy Spirit is speaking to us when we feel guilt, shame, or regret, but also when we have an indescribable urging. My mentor and I talk about how we know it is the Holy Spirit leading us because he often asks us to do things completely out of our comfort zone or normal action. I think the first time that I am absolutely sure that I felt the Holy Spirit leading me was when I asked my mentor to begin meeting with me. I ws terrified, but I couldn't leave class that night without talking to her. Hands shaking, eyes tearing, I walked up to her after class and asked her for help. If any of you know me really at all, you know that I hate asking for help. The Holy Spirit asked me to do something that I did not want to do, and I totally see the fruit and blessings that have already resulted from that relationship. Looking back, I would say that the first time I talked to her about myself about a year and a half ago, I say it was one of the "Holy Moments" that Francis Chan talks about. A moment where heaven meets earth and I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, even if only for a moment. Beautiful.

The topic of the Holy Spirit has always been one that is difficult for me to grasp, because as we read in 1 Kings 19:11-13, the Holy Spirit speaks to us in quiet whispers, not on billboards or through megaphones. I so struggle with the idea that I have not heard God's voice, it frustrates me that I have asked for it and it has not been given to me. I mean, I'm not asking God to move a mountain, but simply to hear a whisper saying "Beloved, I am here". I will be honest in saying that I often find myself jealous of people who can say that they have. I had some beautiful conversations this week about what it looks like to hear the voice of the Holy Spirit. For me, it may look like gradually developing the ability to discern between my thoughts and the voice of the Holy Spirit speaking to me inside of my own mind. I'll admit, I'm a little discouraged by the idea that this will happen at time, because I am the perfect example of what our instant society creates, but I know it will be a skill well-worth developing.

I so often doubt the presence and the work of the Holy Spirit in my own life, but since returning from my adventure, it seems almost impossible to ignore the changes that have taken place within me. I care. That's different. I want to be the best version of myself that I can be. Before, I was so content to settle for "good", but now that's not even an option. I want to be better. I long to be closer to my Abba, to read my Bible, to have beautiful honest conversation, to wake up early to pray. One of the ways I am continuing to learn about the Holy Spirit working in my life is that I am in a Bible study on my college campus. We are reading through the book of Acts in the New Testament and discussing each time that Scripture records the activity of the Holy Spirit, which, by the way, is all the time. It's been so beneficial for me to feel comfortable asking questions in my group and to really take a deeper look at what God is showing us. I am in a group with a professor, and four other students, both girls and boys. It has been such a great thing to be able to study God's Word in a group that is diverse like this. All of us have different backgrounds, which allow us to each bring out own view to the table.

This leads me to the next thing I have been experiencing in a whole new way: COMMUNITY. What a beautiful idea. I learned so much about community in the Dominican, and I have been looking for ways to build Godly community here at school, which is not an easy task. Being in a Bible Study is a beautiful type of learning community where we offer our own opinions. I also have been blessed with a couple of incredibly unexpected friendships. It's so refreshing to be able to be honest with another person and to know that there is no judgement. We spend time asking difficult questions, ones that are not acceptable to ask in certain Christian circles. I have also been learning that community isn't always easy and wonderful, but that is part of the beauty of it: that it is sometimes difficult but there is such reward when we stick with it and continue to invest in relationships, becuase people matter.

I went to a show in South Bend last week with a friend. It completely rocked my world, again. Dan Smith from Listener and Derek Zanetti from The Homeless Gospel Choir visited us and shared words between songs. Dan was talking about difficult circumstances when he shared with us that when we are faced with situations that are difficult, testy friendships, difficult classes, non-ideal work situations. When we have these rough places in our lives what we should do is to "LOVE.. UNTIL IT LOVES YOU BACK". Wow. Over the past 10 or so days this has made itself true to me in so many ways. This idea requires that I take an active part in my life instead of sitting back with a "woe is me" attitude complaining about everything in my life that is not easy. We have never been promised an easy life, I don't know why we all get so consumed with that desire. But in those moments when things are hard and a certain person requires and extra dose of patience, or another thing you do at work goes unnoticed, love. Love it until it loves you back.

Because that's what it's all about right? love? You're probably all thinking of that certain popular Beatles song in your heads right now, but as I read through the Bible this year and look especially into the life of Jesus, that's what the Gospel message is all about. I have a friend who is doing a research project with homeless individuals in South Bend, and he could tell you so many stories and proofs that what those people truly need is not a hot meal or a place to stay warm at night, but what their hearts really desire is to be loved, to have a person to talk to and care for them. I went last weekend to meet and hang out with some of those individuals at a homeless shelter, and I was struck by the beauty of their friendships. They look out for one another and care for each other dearly. Love.

Another thing that I heard at the show last week which has been running through my head is something that Derek said. He said that there is so much in this world that we could be worried about, that we could spread ourselves to thin failing to fix. But the truth of it is that we can only do so much, and that we should start with trying "TO BE THE BEST SELVES WE CAN BE". This isnt' some selfish desire to focus only on our own problems or successes. The result that I see from this in my own life is that once I begin to work on myself (the plank in my eye), then I begin to desire to see those around me do the same (the speck in theirs). Once I begin to experience what it looks like to be close to God, to listen to the Holy Spirit speaking truth and direction into my life, there is no doubt in my mind that I will want others to experience that as well. I have already begun to have difficult conversations out of love for my friends and family, with the desire to see them be their best selves.

I never knew that two 30 minute sets of music could change and effect my thoughts so dramatically, but they did. Those were Holy Moments in my life.

Our Lives are a Bridge, Let’s Build Bridges to Each Other.

It’s so strange to know that I am writing this on my last day here. I can’t believe this semester flew by so fast. This was one of the best experiences of my life and it’s hard to take in the fact that it’s over. We spent two days this weekend at an all-inclusive resort on the north side of the island. The way that our leaders talked about it made me think that I was going to hate it and have a really bad attitude about  the other people staying there and the resort itself. I think because I was expecting to feel that way, I didn’t. I wouldn’t want to stay at a resort like that for a vacation, but I have a feeling that it will be the only down time I will have for a while, so I took it in anyways. People said we might struggle with things like the idea of wasted food, living in excess and general rudeness of people, but I think I expected that so it didn’t get to me when it actually happened. I hope that my attitude will be that good when I get back to the US.

Yesterday night we had some time where we were able to say goodbye to the other members of our team. Before we did it, I thought it was so weird to be saying goodbye to people that I would still be with for two days and people that I hope to see all the time at school next semester. After having that time though, I see the purpose. After having such an incredible experience with a group of people, I think it is important to be intentional about telling them the things you have enjoyed about them or the ways that they have impacted you. I am terrible at goodbyes and I hate them more than anything, but I think having that time will provide a good feeling of closure for me on this part of my experience. It was so great to have a space where I was able to tell people what I love about them and how they’ve affected me. I wasn’t sad about that yet, though I’m sure that time will absolutely come.

Yesterday night we had some time to say goodbye to the other people on our team. At first I thought it would be really weird to say goodbye to everyone two days before we actually left, but it ended up being so good. I think that I was intentional with people in a way that I wouldn’t have been had we not had specific time for it. One of the hardest parts for me about realizing that this experience is over is that I know that I will never be the same again. I will never return to this place and be with the same group of people again ever in my life. I feel so sad about that. I feel like there is going to be a avoid in me when I leave this place because I have been looking forward to this trip for so long, and I have been living it for the past four months. There will be such loss when this is all over.

One of my opinions that has changed dramatically since coming here is my view on poverty. I know I’ve blogged about this before, but I still feel that it has been so important in my experience here. I feel that since I’ve worked in an impoverished neighborhood, and by some standards, lived in poverty myself, that my opinion about poverty was bound to change. Instead of pitying people who live lives with less money, I’ve exchanged that for feelings of compassion. Pity requires an attitude of superiority or judgment and having lived and worked with people in that life has shown me that they are not lacking in so many ways. They still eat, sleep and work just like we do. They have incredible relationships and other things that they experience so much more richly than we do in American culture. The people that I’ve known here who live on much less seem so much happier than a lot of people I know who make significantly more money. There is something so profound in that.

The community of El Callejon has taught me so much about community as well. I’ve realized that we don’t have community in the states like they have here. People here would drop anything to help a friend out. If someone doesn’t get paid until Friday but needs dinner on Wednesday, people open their homes and kitchens to one another. Granted there are some negatives to this kind of community, like everyone knowing your dirt, I still think there is so much to be learned from this community style of living. I hope that when I come home I will incorporate some of these ideas into my friendships and the community that I have at school.

One last thing that I have been thinking a lot about lately especially in light of the fact that I’m going home right before Christmas, is the difference between need and want. I’ve learned a lot about what I actually need to live on while being here, and it is so much less than what we would call “comfortable” in the US. I only actually need two pairs of jeans, or a few pairs of shoes. We are so accustomed to living in excess in the US, even with things like food, electricity and water. Just something to think about..

It’s hard to finish up a blog about an experience as large and influential in my life as this one. I think this will be my last blog on here, at least until I take my next grand adventure. This experience has been one of the best that I have ever experienced in my life. I have learned so much about myself, my family, poverty, community and God. I hope that when I look back, I can see that this was a turning point in my life, that I was forever changed by this experience.

Peace and love from the Dominican Republic for the last time.

A Catalyst in this Stagnant Generation.

There have been so many changes in the weddings in El Callejon in the past week. As of right now, none of the three couples are legally married and a new date for the wedding celebrations is yet to be determined. I probably won’t be able to be at the weddings, and I am so disappointed about that. For any of you who want to read the next few paragraphs, I’ll let you know about the messed up governmental system here and the reasons why each of these three couples are having so much trouble getting married. A little bit of information, each couple needs a valid birth certificate and their “cedula” which is an identification card. When they go to sign their marriage license, they need two witnesses to be present to sign with them.

Tona and Cencio are a couple who have been living together as a couple for 18 years. They have four kids and have lived in El Callejon for a long time. To marry them, we needed to get valid birth certificates for each of them, because they can expire. We got Tona’s last week in Santiago, it only cost 6 dollars. Cencio’s birth certificate does not exist, his parents apparently did not register him with the government when he was an infant. We have visited at least 6 different government centers looking for a way to get his birth certificate and we finally found out on Friday that the only way to get a birth certificate for him would be to go to Santo Domingo and have them make him one for the first time. That’s where it stands with them right now.

Kathy and her boyfriend are a young couple who recently moved in together. Kathy is the daughter of Tona and Cencio and she is only seventeen years old. Because she is only 17, she doesn’t yet have her identification card, and she sent away to get one. However, doing this will take 2 months unless she goes to Santo Domingo to get her ID number before they send it to her. Another thing that she will have to do when she has her ID is that she will have to go with Cencio, her father, to Santiago to have him sign a document, approving her marriage as a minor. Kathy is waiting right now and that is where it stands with her and her boyfriend.

The third couple is an older couple named Sila and Jose. They have two grown sons together and have been living as a married couple for over 30 years. They are the couple that is the closest to actually being married. They have all of their paperwork and have done their interview with the lawyer. They went to sign their marriage license on Thursday but their witnesses couldn’t make it so they had others come and the lawyer would not let them sign for the marriage.

This whole experience with these weddings has been so exciting from the start, but there have also been so many let downs and disappointments in the midst of it. I am so excited that there are three couples from the community of El Callejon that desire to follow God’s will and be legally married. Daisy told me recently that two more couples have come to her recently and told her that they are interested in getting married as well. The work that we are doing with these weddings matters and it is making an impact on many people’s lives. We had a talk with one of the leaders at the base today and he encouraged Daisy and Caroline in the work that they are doing in El Callejon and the work with these weddings. It would be so easy for them to get so discouraged because nothing seems to be working out correctly. I think that it is important to remember that we are trying to change a cultural custom, and change that big does not come easily. These couples are living together without being married because that’s what their paretns did before them and it’s also what all of the other couples in the community are doing as well. Many of Dominicans do not understand why it is important to be legally married, and I also understand so well now that many of them don’t want to go through the hassle of getting married. The government here is obviously not interested in helping people be married. It costs 2,500 pesos to get married and only 300 to be divorced. I feel like I have learned so much from this wedding experience, about patience, about perseverance, and about disappointment.

Last night we celebrated my sister Katherine’s wedding. One wedding I was planning on having actually worked out! It was so incredible. It was white and a dark red, the decorations were all so gorgeous. Some of the ladies made fresh wildflower arrangements for each of the tables outside, and they made walls out of palm fronds. It was actually really tropical. While Katherine was walking down the aisle in the church at the ceremony, she had a microphone and seven or eight girls in front of her. As she was talking, she sent each girl to Julio, her husband, with a gift for their marriage. She sent things like love, happiness and her purity to Julio through the girls that walked down the aisle. It was such a beautiful visual of their hopes for marriage. I have so many beautiful pictures of the couple and the decorations, but no time to post them, so ask me if you want to see them J

It was so weird to say goodbye to my family and my friend Amy’s family while at the wedding. There were so many people there and not enough space. It was chaos. We missed out on having dinner and cake, but we were able to visit with a lot of people too. I was kind of glad that our last day was spent doing something, because it would have been awful to have just sat around the house all day waiting to say goodbye. It was difficult saying goodbye knowing that there is a good chance that I will never see those people again, but I also know that I have learned so much from them and have had such an incredible experience with them.

Our last week here will be full of team exercises and debriefing. We are going to stay at an all-inclusive resort on the north side of the island. Going to somewhere really nice where they treat us as tourists is part of letting go of our time here and to help us start thinking about American culture again. I am so excited for our excursion today, we are going to a place called 27 waterfalls, where we will hike and do a number of cliff jumps during the morning. I am looking forward to spending a lot of time with the group this week and just thinking about finishing up this experience well.

It is so difficult coming to the realization that this trip is 4 days from being over. I have been looking forward to it for so long, planning for it, saving for it and now experiencing it. There will be a huge hole in my heart after finishing out this experience. It has been incredible and I have learned so much. I have been so blessed by my time here, I’ve loved every minute of it, well almost every minute. I wouldn’t trade my time here for anything and I would do it again if I had another chance. Being here makes me think about my future. Who knows, maybe I’ll end up doing something like this long term..

I am Seen, I am Known

Last Saturday, after our Thanksgiving weekend together I went with some friends to Santiago (a big city about an hour away) to just get away and hang out. It was so nice to be with some different people, because even though I love my group so much, I have been with the same 20 or so people for the past three months, so it was nice to have a change. We went to a mall, and it was so strange to be inside a place that felt so American. It wasn’t bad or uncomfortable; it just felt weird to be in a place where everything cost so much money. We went and saw a movie and went bowling, we did so much! It was fun to experience the Dominican with a different, smaller group of people and just be able to do what we wanted, not to follow a schedule or to get home by a certain time. Freedom, I miss that J

Last night, our group had a Christmas party together. Some of my family members will be glad to hear that I watched Holiday Inn and Elf and am planning on watching White Christmas this afternoon at a friend’s hose. I have successfully watched three of my favorite Christmas movies; I just have a couple to go when I get home. We made and decorated sugar cookies, listened to Christmas music, and had Pica Pollo for dinner (which isn’t Christmas-y at all, but it was delicious). I am getting so excited to come home and celebrate Christmas with my family. I can’t wait to get home and smell a Christmas tree, or see the snow (I’ll probably regret that comment really quickly). There is a “Christmas feeling” and I’m starting to have it. I’m also so excited that Christmas will provide a great way for me to see a lot of my family all at once. I’m praying that it won’t be difficult to have to make decisions about which families I have time to see, that’s the hardest thing about the holidays for me. I hope that it works out that everything is spread out enough that I can do it all. We’ll see I guess.

All of last week we worked on getting things ready for the weddings next week. There have been some difficulties that have come up with getting everything together with the marriage licenses. Each individual needs two things to get a marriage license: a birth certificate and their ID card. Some of the couples don’t possess both of these items, because they really have no use for them. We had to go to Santiago one day last week to get two people’s birth certificates because they didn’t have them for themselves. For another couple, the woman is under 18 so she needed to get special permission to get married, and it also cost more money. There have been a lot of legal complications with the couples, and I now have a better understanding of why people don’t get legally married here. It is difficult and expensive. They don’t believe that it is necessary anyways, so I understand why many people don’t bother. By Friday though, many of the problems started fixing themselves, with much work done by Daisy, and it looks like we should be able to have the weddings on schedule next week on Wednesday. I hope that they’re beautiful and that the couples have a wonderful time.

I have been making so much progress on the policy book that I am putting together for the social work center. I don’t remember how much I’ve written about it before, but  Caroline and I are working on a resource book that topically gives some ideas and Bible verses about common problems in El Callejon. Some of our topics are adultery, gossip and parenting. The book isn’t meant to be something that a person can hand out to another as “self-help”, but it’s meant to be a resource to start a conversation and build a relationship. The book itself is almost 85 pages long and it should be an incredible tool for people working at the social work site to have. I will format it before I leave, but in the future, Caroline will also translate all of our work into Spanish so that Daisy and other Spanish speakers can use the resource as well.

I think that one of my biggest fears about leaving here is that I will look back and it will feel like it was all a dream. I want to look back on this experience with clarity, remembering lots of the small details and the little things that made me fall in love with this place. I hope that writing blogs every week and keeping a journal will help me to this end, but I know that it will be different. Because Dominican culture is so far removed from American culture, it’s so different that it will be hard to remember what it feels like to live here. I don’t know what kinds of things that I can do to remember with clarity my time here, but I’m hoping and praying that I will be able to. I don’t want this to be a trip I took once, but an experience that changes me forever, a turning point. I hope that it is.

The next time I write, I will have said goodbye to my family for the last time. I am kind of terrified of this, because it will probably be goodbye forever. I hate goodbyes more than anything, and it will be so much harder knowing that it’s so final. There’s a lot of anxiety for me about leaving too because my family has started to put the pressure on about staying in contact. Katherine and Denise have started asking me about how much I’m going to call them on the phone when I get back, and this week I am going to have to sit down with them and be realistic about the fact that it will not be very often, if at all. The hard thing is that my family had a student live with them last year, and they still talk to that student probably once a month. First of all, I don’t know if I will remember any Spanish by then, and I also can’t afford to call down here. It’s ridiculously expensive to call here. It’s not that I don’t want to stay in touch with my family; I just don’t know if it’s possible. There aren’t really good alternatives to calling either, there is no mail system and they can only get internet at an internet café or something like that. This is just a frustrating thing that I will have to deal with as it comes up, but I am not looking forward to having that conversation.

At this point, with one real week left here, I feel at peace about coming home. I feel like I’m ready and I’ve accomplished all that I felt that I needed to here. We have about 5 days of team time and debriefing here after we move out of our host homes and it will be so hard to say goodbye to everyone in our group. 7 of the 15 people from our group are from other schools, so I know that I won’t be able to see them very much, which is so hard. It’s so strange to think about something like this coming to an end, because it will never be the same again. There will never be the same group of people in the same place ever again in this life, that’s so sad to think about. I’m starting to mourn the fact that this trip is almost over, because I know that I can never truly revisit this experience.

However, I am so excited to come home for other reasons. I finally have all of my Christmas presents ready to bring back to the states. Graham, you were the tricky one, as always. Talking with friends and family and being able to start making plans for when I get home is so exciting. I think that being away for this long and on this type of trip has really strengthened some of my relationships, or at least made me value them so much more. One of the things I have really missed being here is just being able to be with friends who know me well; who I am completely comfortable with. I am looking forward to just being comfortable with the people around me, that and having carpeting under my feet J

This week ahead will be a lot of “last times” for me, but I am looking forward to coming home and reconnecting with everyone. Less than two weeks everyone, prepare yourselves!

Guard Your Heart and Watch the Wind

This week has been incredible as life here always seems to be. I feel so blessed and excited that I am still in the process of making memories, and being intentional about continuing in my relationships has truly paid off. I haven’t checked out yet from being in this place, though it is so exciting to think about going home and being with friends and family for the holidays. I’m kind of afraid that I’m going to look back on this entire experience and it’s going to feel like a dream. I am so far removed from anything normal or familiar; that I feel like when I am back home and comfortable again, that looking back on this experience will seem surreal. Granted, there are absolutely still moments where I have a difficult time believing that this is my life and I really do live in this beautiful place.

This week in El Callejon, we had all of our Christmas parties. They were all so much fun, and it was great to see everyone dressed up with makeup on, looking their best. It’s interesting too to observe the women at the parties. There were some women who were there to genuinely invest their time in celebrating Christmas and their relationships. It was sad to see however that there were a number of women who were clearly there just to receive the gifts that Students International collected for them. Daisy and Caroline tried to compensate for those women who don’t attend class and just come for the parties for special days by making their gifts different or smaller than the other women’s.

All of the parties this week were really bittersweet. Although I’ll be working in El Callejon for two more weeks, we won’t be having any classes with the girls or the women. I’m sure that I’ll see them around town, but it won’t be the same because I won’t have time to spend with them as much. It was so sad to say goodbye to the teenage girls. I saw all of them twice a week for English class so I felt that I was able to build stronger relationships with them than I was with any of the other classes. At the end of our party, two of the girls specifically said thank you to me for spending time with them every week and being a good teacher. They then told me that they want me to come back in January to teach them and two of the girls said that I could stay at their houses if I wanted to. It was so sweet, and incredible to know that even though the girls probably didn’t learn a lot of English, they had a good time and we were able to get to know each other and laugh together.

Starting on Monday, we’ll begin working with the couples in El Callejon that want to get married. We will hold the weddings at the social work center during the week before I leave. Some of our preparations will be giving facials and manicures/pedicures to the women, as well as making decorations for the social work site to make their days more special. As of right now, there are 4 couples that are planning on getting married. If you think of it, if you could pray specifically for two of the couples, that would be great. The girls are under 18 and Daisy was unaware that it would cost significantly more to get a marriage license, as well as a trip to Santo Domingo to get special permission to be married. I hope that this will not discourage the two girls from getting married, because they are so young and it would be so beneficial to them to be in a more committed relationship. I am so looking forward to being a part of this journey with these women. Most of them have so little security and trust in their relationships that the fact that their boyfriends are willing to get married means that they are ready to truly commit to them.

This pattern of moving in with a boyfriend and never getting legally married is a thing that has been going on in El Callejon for a long time, and most of the people don’t see the value in being legally married. Daisy and Caroline’s purpose in starting to host weddings every year is to break this cycle and to help the women especially see the worth in being legally married. It will be more difficult for their men to simply walk out on them and their families, and hopefully the men will think more carefully before cheating, which is also a huge problem that couples face in El Callejon. Their ideas about marriage and relationships are so different from ours in America, it’s interesting to talk to the women and try to understand their perspective. The way I see it, legal marriage insures a sense of security and shows that both people are committed to the relationship. They don’t see it that way here. To many Dominicans, legal marriage is unnecessary and expensive, they don’t understand the deeper implications of being bound legally to another person.

Spending Thanksgiving here was actually not as weird as I thought it would be. During the morning I went to my site leader Caroline’s house and spent the morning with her husband Ryan, and his interns from our group at the microfinance site. We watched the Thanksgiving Day parade, the office, played Settlers of Catan and ate a ton of pizza for lunch. It was a very American morning, so don’t think I missed out because I was here. We went to El Callejon for a party in the afternoon with the teenage girls, but then we went back to Ryan and Caroline’s to hang out some more before dinner. We had the ultimate American dinner here at the base, complete with turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, corn, salad, rolls and pumpkin pie. It was incredible! All of the Students International staff was invited to dinner with us as well, so it was fun to talk with them and share the Thanksgiving tradition with the Dominican staff. We had a few minutes to talk with our tables about the things that we are thankful for, and I am amazed at how blessed I am. Being in this situation, it would be ignorant and obnoxious to not realize that, but I am blessed beyond measure in so many more ways than just having this opportunity and experience. We had some coffee to counteract the tryptophan sleepiness, and were able to spend the rest of the night hanging out.

For my day on Black Friday, we drove up to a beach on the north side of the island called Cabarete, which was so nice. It was a little bit touristy, but not nearly as bad as Boca Chica, which we went to during travel week. It was a perfect day to be at the beach, sunny but not too hot with a little bit of wind. I found peace in knowing that while many people were out in the cold shopping like maniacs to get the best deals for Christmas, I was sitting on a beach chair relaxing and enjoying the incredible people that I am here with. I definitely had one of those surreal moments where I couldn’t believe that I was there.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the Bible verse in Romans 12:18, which says “So far as it depends on me, live at peace with everyone”. Thinking about what this means in my life is really convicting, because it means that I need to do my part to resolve conflicts. I need learn to do the best thing in all of my relationships, laying aside my pride or my hurt feelings, which can be really hard. It’s so convicting in light of certain conflicts during this trip. It’s encouraging though because I know that I can only be held accountable for my part of a relationship. It takes two people to make a conflict, and I know that I can only be in control of my actions and beyond that is not my fault because I cannot change it. I don’t think that this is asking me to allow people to walk all over me or to not voice my opinion when I’m upset, I think it’s just saying that I need to be mindful of doing the right thing in all of my relationships, even when it’s really hard sometimes, just a thought.

As always, I’m so looking forward to seeing everyone when I get home in less than three weeks!

Some Things Only Shine With Time..

I’ve recently come to the realization that I have less than four weeks left here. Coming with that idea is a grand mix of excitement and mourning, but I’m trying not to think about it too much because I don’t want to take away from what time I have left here. There have been three sunny days this week, which is apparently a miracle here. For some reason, we’ve had a really cloudy fall here; everyone who lives here is saying that it’s not common to have this much rain and so many cloudy days. It just makes me more grateful for the days that we do have sun; it’s so encouraging to feel the sun on my face.

Something that has given me great joy while being here has been teaching my Dominican mom, Denise how to say certain phrases in English. My sister, Katherine, is almost finished with her yearlong English class, so Denise always asks Kara and I how to tell Katherine to do things in English. She always wants to be reminded how to say “wash the dishes”, which ends up sounding like “wach da diches”. My personal favorite is when she says “Katherine, pay attention to me”. She always points with one finger and squints her eyes to look really mean, but she says “Kafreene, pen ten ten chu me”. I have spent so many nights laughing with her about her attempts to speak English, and we have plans for this Sunday to make videos of her English. I’ve tried to get her to let me record her before, but she refuses to do it until her hair is done, and she has makeup on and nice clothes. Love her J

I have had to keep myself in check this week about thinking about leaving. I’m realizing that something that I do when I know that relationships are going to come to an end is that i begin to pull away before I leave to make leaving easier and less painful. That is such an awful way to end such a beautiful semester. I have been reminding myself to be intentional with my family, with spending time with them and enjoying them while I can. I think that my pulling away is a defense mechanism that makes things hurt less when I have to leave, but it’s so unfair to my family and friends that I have made here. It has become a daily decision to spend time with people and keep making sure that I’m pouring into my relationships here as much as I can.

For a long weekend this weekend there are a group of Bethel and Taylor University professors here to check out what the program down here looks like for the semester students. Last night we had dinner with one of them at Paula’s house. It’s interesting to see the way that the teachers interact with Dominicans, because life and customs here have become so comfortable to us. It’s also interesting to see how they have interacted with our families as many of them don’t speak Spanish. It’s such a different experience because they can’t communicate and speak in order to build relationships, which is such a huge part of Dominican culture.

Last week I was able to find time with two of the teenage girls in my English class, Annerys and Patricia, to just talk to them about themselves. It was such a great time! Because we’re always in class and working on projects, I feel that we don’t get that much time to just sit and talk to each other. I was able to ask them about their families, school and their dreams. Annerys wants to be a singer/actress/model and Patricia wants to be an actress. It’s so sweet to hear about their dreams and how they plan on getting there. It was so nice to be able to talk to them without an agenda or a lesson behind it, just talking like friends.

Something that I’ve been thinking about as we’re preparing for Christmas parties in El Callejon next week is the idea of giving gifts. I’m only talking about it specifically in this context, because I think it’s a really different scenario. It’s hard to give gifts that the people know are from Americans, because there is such a stereotype that all Americans are rich, so I think the gifts are more expected than they are appreciated. We talked a lot before we came here about we, as Americans and part of their stereotype, need to be careful of how we give to people and the ways that we use our money in front of people who don’t have much. All of the gifts that we are giving to the 100 plus women and girls that come to class every week are the result of donations from America throughout the year, which is incredible. On Friday Caroline and I put together so many gift bags with toothbrushes, toothpaste and then a bunch of smaller age-appropriate gifts. It’s been a hard stereotype for me, as well as the long-term missionaries to overcome that we all have money, though it’s cool that people are starting to understand that we’re not here to give them material things, but rather to build relationships with them and spend time with them. Those are the kinds of gifts that we have brought to give; I am giving myself to these beautiful women, not just things bought on clearance in a store in the states.

Kind of following that, we read a book before we came here about how a lot of short term missions can actually be harmful to people rather than helpful. When a group of people go to a poor community for a week or two weeks, they do some good, but sometimes it can teach people learned helplessness, that if they let things go long enough, that eventually someone will come in and do it for them. Something that we have talked about a lot here with our ministry is that we should never do something for an individual that he or she could do for themselves. Think about that. We shouldn’t hand out money to someone who is able-bodied and capable of finding a job and providing for himself. That’s a hard thing for me to reconcile with when I see dirty children and clothes little better than rags. A much more valuable and lasting way to live is to pour into relationships with people, “teaching a man to fish”. This goes back to my idea that there is a poverty here of spirit that is much more pressing than a material poverty. There are deeper roots to material poverty, and throwing money or materials at people does not solve the problem over the long-term. Sorry if none of this makes sense, just some thoughts I’m having about whether or not I’m actually making any impact here.

On a closing note, if any of you were wondering, I have absolutely no regrets about climbing El Mogote last week, and I’m so glad that I pushed myself so hard to do something that i never thought would be physically possible for me. Now that the soreness is gone, I can really appreciate this view and look back at what an incredible experience it was:

Hear Me Willow and Weep for Me

Hello world! These past few days have been so full and so incredible. I am still in awe of the fact that I live her e and I have a life here. I have been making so many more relationships with the people who live in El Callejon, there are always women greeting me by name and wanting to talk to me as I walk through town every day. It’s such an incredible feeling to be a part of something in this way and to be recognized by name, not just as the American who works with Daisy.

Next week is my last week of regular classes with the women at the social work site. I am excited to tackle next week and then have four days of Christmas parties with all of the classes. After that we’ll have two weeks to prepare for the weddings in El Callejon, which I am so excited about. Daisy and Caroline have been meeting with a number of couples about their interest in becoming legally married. It’s such a privilege for me to be able to see all of these different times at the social work center. I get to see their regular classes and be a part of their normal routine, but I also get to contribute to something really special in their community. I feel like it’s such an honor that I get to be here during this time.

For some reason, all of our classes this week were really crazy. I don’t know if the women are realizing that we’re getting close to the end of the year, but they were nuts! We started a new project with the women, a Christmas decorative pillow, and I think that all of the other classes might be kind of jealous of it, which is probably some of the problem. It’s so great to see the women get really excited about something that we are doing. This project is also a lot simpler than the ones that we have been working on finishing, so I am a little relieved for that.  

As I think some of you know, the girl that I was working with named Rachel had to return home to the United States a few weeks early because of some medical problems. It has been such a different experience at my ministry site without her. I miss her dearly; it’s hard sometimes to know that I’m the only one there and that I don’t have another American to share my experience with. It’s been hard having her gone too, because for a lot of reasons, she was my sanity. It’s definitely been an adjustment going from expecting to be with a friend all semester to doing more things on my own. Daisy and Caroline have been so incredible with working with me and lessening the load of things that I do each week. I am so blessed to be surrounded by such incredible women who are committed into pouring into me as much as I am committed to pouring out to the women here.

Something that I’ve been thinking and praying about for when I get home is finding a church to go to. I’ve struggled for the past three or more years about finding a church that I like. I’ve been kind of disillusioned with church, church can be such a judgmental legalistic place, and I think I’ve been running from that judgment instead of honestly seeking a place where I can be comfortable. Another thought that I’ve been having is finding a way to serve my community weekly. I think that when I get back to school, I want to find a soup kitchen, homeless shelter or tutoring center where I can volunteer once a week. While I am at school, it is so easy to get caught up in my own life and my homework and grades and forget that there is a whole big world out there. It’s so easy to live in my safe little dorm room on my safe college campus and forget that I live in a community where people are hurting and don’t have places to sleep, food to eat, or parents or siblings to help them with their homework. Being in a country where there is so much need has opened my eyes to how selfish I can be when I am at school. Going to school is a great thing, don’t get me wrong. But I feel like I am called to so much more than that, and after having had this experience and living in the conditions that I have, I don’t think that I can go back to being so selfish. These are just some thoughts about changes that I think I need to make when I get back.

I’ve realized in the last few days that we really only have four full weeks left here. There are so many emotions that come with that idea. The one that hit me hard today is that I only have four weeks to finish all of the homework that I have, so that is why I’m alone at the base today, locked up in a room working hard. It’s so strange to know that this experience will come to an end, I have gotten so used to being here. The day that I have to say goodbye to this place will be a sad one, but I find joy in knowing that I will go home and be surrounded by people that love me so much. I’m so excited to see all of you!

One really fun thing that I did this week is that I climbed a mountain yesterday, literally. It is the highest peak near Jarabacoa, though I don’t know how many feet exactly. It took us 2 ½ hours to climb up and 2 ½ hours to climb down. It was muddy both ways, and I’m pretty sure I slid most of the way down instead of hiking it. I think it was the most physically demanding thing that I’ve done in a really long time, maybe because it was over such a long period of time. I climbed on Saturday, and as I write this on Sunday, most of the muscles in my body are sore. I hit my knee pretty hard on a rock so it’s a little swollen and bruised, but otherwise I made it. Overall, it was incredible! There is definitely a new meaning for me in the phrase “mountaintop experience”, because it was such hard work, but totally worth it in the end. I’ll probably have even better feelings about it when my body stops hurting every time I take a deep breath. At the top, I had another one of those moments where I couldn’t believe that I’m here and these are the kinds of things that I get to do on the weekends, I’m so blessed!