[dreams] as big as vultures eyes

so many thoughts. i met a new friend through an old friend here at school tonight and i've just been thinking. i was sharing with him over coffee what i think about community and relationships, and he asked me if i thought it was even possible in the US. wow. i feel like it's possible to recreating God-fearing community here, but it would be downright hard. there are a number of christian communities like this in the states, i just wonder if i'm called toward something different. maybe not. maybe i'm supposed to stay here and serve and love the very people i feel frustrated with sometimes. our conversation tonight at my favorite south bend irish pub started me thinking once again about my future and what that looks like. it would be a tragedy for me to have experienced what i did in the Dominican and to turn around and pursue the American dream. that has nothing that i desire. i feel so dissatisfied right now. that's not to say that i'm not happy, that i'm not incredibly blessed or that i don't have beautiful relationships. i just wonder if there is something so much greater in this life than graduating from college and starting the career ladder. there has got to be more for me than that. i'm realizing that i serve a God who desires for me to dream big. so i'm dreaming big. my heart is open, all of my options are open, i feel that i have been created for something great. god, lead me.

i've been thinking a lot about that "American Dream" lately. timing is interesting becuase we are talking in my US History class right now about how the american people started to lose sight of that dream in the 70's with Vietnam and Richard Nixon, up until this day, in this economy where for some people there is no hope or sight of that dream any longer. i just wonder what that dream really is. i'll be quick to admit that i still catch myself wanting money, things, popularity and a lot of friends on facebook. i'm not saying any of this out of a spirit of judgement or from a different platform. i am so much in the midst of it. i'm just questioning the point of this "dream". i mean, is there even one thing about the american dream that is biblical? security? maybe. happiness? not usually. status? yes, but does that matter? there are just so many questions i have about whether my goal in life would be to go to church on sundays but on monday join in on the rat race where there are winners and losers, and people who are left behind with hungry kids and cold fingers. i don't think king david, a man who is said to have been a man after God's own heart, wanted to have a new volkswagon or the biggest house on the block, complete with in-ground swimming pool and an environmentally friendly heating/cooling system. so why should i? i don't buy into the idea that the times have changed and that the american dream is the new normal or what God desires for us. i learned in the Dominican that i am not called to a life of comfort. why do i get to be comfortable when others are cold and hungry? because i'm white? becuase i'm an american? i thank God that i was blessed with these comforts, but i no longer require them.

i often ask myself that if God called me to leave everything and follow him, just as Jesus called the disciples in the New Testament. i'll be honest in saying that some days i feel like i would say yes, but most days i would hesitate, exposing my true heart. right now i'm finishing up Dorothy Day's autobiography. talk about a woman who left everything and followed God's calling in her life. now don't get all caught up in the fact that she was a Catholic or a political radical for a time, but think about her obedience, her commitment to her call. she only allowed herself a few years of her own life to 'live the dream', which she willingly gave up for her faith and her calling. reading about her life and her passion makes me feel like i just coast through life in a constant state of apathy. what was hers she gave away, welcoming others into her home, starting a movement which still to this day aides the poor and homeless in America. what a beautiful legacy. a legacy becuase she was obedient and did not allow her desire for comfort to get in the way of the vision that God placed on her heart. God, give my courage like hers to do the things you call me to do.

Just Open up Your Eyes and Look Past Your Front Door

these are some thoughts that i had today after my first class:

i think i am learning tha tthe end result of all of these changes that God is making in me is not that i would become bitter or jaded. as God develops my sense of discernment and i learn to see right and wrong in my life,  my college campus, the church, the point is not that i reject those things becuase i see wrong or sin in them. it's all about love right? i think the point in my newly developed heart of discernment is so i could be in love with the things that break my heart.
LOVE IT UNTIL IT LOVES YOU BACK
so many people get so bitter towards the hypocrisy on my college campus, but what would it look like if instead of turning my back on Bethel in judgement, if i embraced and loved on those people who claim one thing but live another way? i think bitterness, judgementalism, or escapism is just a cop-out, just as bad as being a hypocrite. i mean, all sins are equal before the throne of God right? more than hypocrisy, i am becoming disgusted by christians who abandon their brothers and sisters due to self-righteousness, judgement and superiority. it is not acceptable to claim Christ and reject our brothers and sisters. i have been so guilty of this sin in the past, but i so see the evidence of God speaking to me softly in this area. love. that's what it's about right? that's what i've been saying. it's so much easier to love the poor and the marginalized, becuase when we truly love our brothers and sisters in Christ, we are forced to face our own ugliness, our own filthy, broken souls. oh, that i would have the strength and courage to love the broken hypocrites around in me in this place, because i am nothing more than one of them. i hope that i will continue to be broken in this way. the destruction of my pride and self-righteousness. the destruction of my desire, and ultimately my very ability, to judge others. how can i go about desiring, yearning for community when i so quickly reject the very community that i live in? i am starting to see some of God's purpose in bringing me back to this place. to learn to truly love.

one of my professors showed us a video in class today of a pastor speaking on the crucifixion of Christ. it rocked me. his throught were that God's wrath was poured out on Christ as he hung on the cross. what is that even? throughout the old testament, i read about God's wrath and punishments and have often wondered why we do not experience that today. the answer is Jesus Christ. Jesus was not sweating blood in the garden before he was crucified because he was afraid of the physical pain of being crucified, the injustice of being sinless and on trial, or the embarassment of being before a crowd for unjust reasons. no, none of those things caused that kind of stress. Jesus sweat blood because he knew that God's wrath was about to be poured out on him. God's past wrath, his present wrath, and the biggest of all, the wrath, anger and fury for all of the sins yest to be committed against the law of God for all of the rest of history. what would it feel like to die for the future generation, to die for people that had not yet been created or made those bad decisions? this thought of God's wrath rocks everything i have learned about the crucifixion before. how we have cheapened Christ's sacrifice. Jesus' expereince was so much more than physical pain. this explains too why the martyrs of the first century endured horrific physical torture for the name of Christ, but Christ's sacrifice was the one that atoned for our sin. i don't understand what it would feel like to be one of mind with God but to still voluntarily bear the weight of God's wrath. what courage. what love. with this understanding, how could i ever again doubt that God loves me so much, so unconditionally?

I've Built a Wooden Heart inside this Iron Ship

I thought that last post was the end of this blog for a while, but even if no one reads this I need to get these thoughts out. Just as a disclaimer, I think that this blog will no longer serve as a way to let my friends and family know what I'm up to, but will now become a way for me to write down my thoughts. There are infinite ways in my life where I see the impact that my trip had on me. Everything, I mean absolutely everything is different now. Some of those things are incredible and encouraging changes, ones that I would never reverse, but some are heartbreaking and require a daily decision to change or work through. I have to daily check and make sure that I am not showing an attitude of superiority or judgement because many around me have not had an experience like the one I had. I also have to check myself and remember that not everyone is in a place of incredible growth and renewal as I am, some people are stuck in a place of complacency, even as I was for so long.

One thing that has been radically changed since my return from the Dominican is the way that I view the Holy Spirit. While I was gone, I read the book "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan, which talks all about how we have forgotten to teach about, to listen to the Holy Spirit. Growing up, I always knew that there was a third part of the Holy Trinity along with the Father and Son, but I never knew what the purpose of the Holy Spirit was. I heard a sermon recently where the pastor talked about the Holy Spirit, saying that what we normally call a "concsience" is really the Holy Spirit speaking truth to us and leading us in the right and healthy direction. The Holy Spirit is speaking to us when we feel guilt, shame, or regret, but also when we have an indescribable urging. My mentor and I talk about how we know it is the Holy Spirit leading us because he often asks us to do things completely out of our comfort zone or normal action. I think the first time that I am absolutely sure that I felt the Holy Spirit leading me was when I asked my mentor to begin meeting with me. I ws terrified, but I couldn't leave class that night without talking to her. Hands shaking, eyes tearing, I walked up to her after class and asked her for help. If any of you know me really at all, you know that I hate asking for help. The Holy Spirit asked me to do something that I did not want to do, and I totally see the fruit and blessings that have already resulted from that relationship. Looking back, I would say that the first time I talked to her about myself about a year and a half ago, I say it was one of the "Holy Moments" that Francis Chan talks about. A moment where heaven meets earth and I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, even if only for a moment. Beautiful.

The topic of the Holy Spirit has always been one that is difficult for me to grasp, because as we read in 1 Kings 19:11-13, the Holy Spirit speaks to us in quiet whispers, not on billboards or through megaphones. I so struggle with the idea that I have not heard God's voice, it frustrates me that I have asked for it and it has not been given to me. I mean, I'm not asking God to move a mountain, but simply to hear a whisper saying "Beloved, I am here". I will be honest in saying that I often find myself jealous of people who can say that they have. I had some beautiful conversations this week about what it looks like to hear the voice of the Holy Spirit. For me, it may look like gradually developing the ability to discern between my thoughts and the voice of the Holy Spirit speaking to me inside of my own mind. I'll admit, I'm a little discouraged by the idea that this will happen at time, because I am the perfect example of what our instant society creates, but I know it will be a skill well-worth developing.

I so often doubt the presence and the work of the Holy Spirit in my own life, but since returning from my adventure, it seems almost impossible to ignore the changes that have taken place within me. I care. That's different. I want to be the best version of myself that I can be. Before, I was so content to settle for "good", but now that's not even an option. I want to be better. I long to be closer to my Abba, to read my Bible, to have beautiful honest conversation, to wake up early to pray. One of the ways I am continuing to learn about the Holy Spirit working in my life is that I am in a Bible study on my college campus. We are reading through the book of Acts in the New Testament and discussing each time that Scripture records the activity of the Holy Spirit, which, by the way, is all the time. It's been so beneficial for me to feel comfortable asking questions in my group and to really take a deeper look at what God is showing us. I am in a group with a professor, and four other students, both girls and boys. It has been such a great thing to be able to study God's Word in a group that is diverse like this. All of us have different backgrounds, which allow us to each bring out own view to the table.

This leads me to the next thing I have been experiencing in a whole new way: COMMUNITY. What a beautiful idea. I learned so much about community in the Dominican, and I have been looking for ways to build Godly community here at school, which is not an easy task. Being in a Bible Study is a beautiful type of learning community where we offer our own opinions. I also have been blessed with a couple of incredibly unexpected friendships. It's so refreshing to be able to be honest with another person and to know that there is no judgement. We spend time asking difficult questions, ones that are not acceptable to ask in certain Christian circles. I have also been learning that community isn't always easy and wonderful, but that is part of the beauty of it: that it is sometimes difficult but there is such reward when we stick with it and continue to invest in relationships, becuase people matter.

I went to a show in South Bend last week with a friend. It completely rocked my world, again. Dan Smith from Listener and Derek Zanetti from The Homeless Gospel Choir visited us and shared words between songs. Dan was talking about difficult circumstances when he shared with us that when we are faced with situations that are difficult, testy friendships, difficult classes, non-ideal work situations. When we have these rough places in our lives what we should do is to "LOVE.. UNTIL IT LOVES YOU BACK". Wow. Over the past 10 or so days this has made itself true to me in so many ways. This idea requires that I take an active part in my life instead of sitting back with a "woe is me" attitude complaining about everything in my life that is not easy. We have never been promised an easy life, I don't know why we all get so consumed with that desire. But in those moments when things are hard and a certain person requires and extra dose of patience, or another thing you do at work goes unnoticed, love. Love it until it loves you back.

Because that's what it's all about right? love? You're probably all thinking of that certain popular Beatles song in your heads right now, but as I read through the Bible this year and look especially into the life of Jesus, that's what the Gospel message is all about. I have a friend who is doing a research project with homeless individuals in South Bend, and he could tell you so many stories and proofs that what those people truly need is not a hot meal or a place to stay warm at night, but what their hearts really desire is to be loved, to have a person to talk to and care for them. I went last weekend to meet and hang out with some of those individuals at a homeless shelter, and I was struck by the beauty of their friendships. They look out for one another and care for each other dearly. Love.

Another thing that I heard at the show last week which has been running through my head is something that Derek said. He said that there is so much in this world that we could be worried about, that we could spread ourselves to thin failing to fix. But the truth of it is that we can only do so much, and that we should start with trying "TO BE THE BEST SELVES WE CAN BE". This isnt' some selfish desire to focus only on our own problems or successes. The result that I see from this in my own life is that once I begin to work on myself (the plank in my eye), then I begin to desire to see those around me do the same (the speck in theirs). Once I begin to experience what it looks like to be close to God, to listen to the Holy Spirit speaking truth and direction into my life, there is no doubt in my mind that I will want others to experience that as well. I have already begun to have difficult conversations out of love for my friends and family, with the desire to see them be their best selves.

I never knew that two 30 minute sets of music could change and effect my thoughts so dramatically, but they did. Those were Holy Moments in my life.

Our Lives are a Bridge, Let’s Build Bridges to Each Other.

It’s so strange to know that I am writing this on my last day here. I can’t believe this semester flew by so fast. This was one of the best experiences of my life and it’s hard to take in the fact that it’s over. We spent two days this weekend at an all-inclusive resort on the north side of the island. The way that our leaders talked about it made me think that I was going to hate it and have a really bad attitude about  the other people staying there and the resort itself. I think because I was expecting to feel that way, I didn’t. I wouldn’t want to stay at a resort like that for a vacation, but I have a feeling that it will be the only down time I will have for a while, so I took it in anyways. People said we might struggle with things like the idea of wasted food, living in excess and general rudeness of people, but I think I expected that so it didn’t get to me when it actually happened. I hope that my attitude will be that good when I get back to the US.

Yesterday night we had some time where we were able to say goodbye to the other members of our team. Before we did it, I thought it was so weird to be saying goodbye to people that I would still be with for two days and people that I hope to see all the time at school next semester. After having that time though, I see the purpose. After having such an incredible experience with a group of people, I think it is important to be intentional about telling them the things you have enjoyed about them or the ways that they have impacted you. I am terrible at goodbyes and I hate them more than anything, but I think having that time will provide a good feeling of closure for me on this part of my experience. It was so great to have a space where I was able to tell people what I love about them and how they’ve affected me. I wasn’t sad about that yet, though I’m sure that time will absolutely come.

Yesterday night we had some time to say goodbye to the other people on our team. At first I thought it would be really weird to say goodbye to everyone two days before we actually left, but it ended up being so good. I think that I was intentional with people in a way that I wouldn’t have been had we not had specific time for it. One of the hardest parts for me about realizing that this experience is over is that I know that I will never be the same again. I will never return to this place and be with the same group of people again ever in my life. I feel so sad about that. I feel like there is going to be a avoid in me when I leave this place because I have been looking forward to this trip for so long, and I have been living it for the past four months. There will be such loss when this is all over.

One of my opinions that has changed dramatically since coming here is my view on poverty. I know I’ve blogged about this before, but I still feel that it has been so important in my experience here. I feel that since I’ve worked in an impoverished neighborhood, and by some standards, lived in poverty myself, that my opinion about poverty was bound to change. Instead of pitying people who live lives with less money, I’ve exchanged that for feelings of compassion. Pity requires an attitude of superiority or judgment and having lived and worked with people in that life has shown me that they are not lacking in so many ways. They still eat, sleep and work just like we do. They have incredible relationships and other things that they experience so much more richly than we do in American culture. The people that I’ve known here who live on much less seem so much happier than a lot of people I know who make significantly more money. There is something so profound in that.

The community of El Callejon has taught me so much about community as well. I’ve realized that we don’t have community in the states like they have here. People here would drop anything to help a friend out. If someone doesn’t get paid until Friday but needs dinner on Wednesday, people open their homes and kitchens to one another. Granted there are some negatives to this kind of community, like everyone knowing your dirt, I still think there is so much to be learned from this community style of living. I hope that when I come home I will incorporate some of these ideas into my friendships and the community that I have at school.

One last thing that I have been thinking a lot about lately especially in light of the fact that I’m going home right before Christmas, is the difference between need and want. I’ve learned a lot about what I actually need to live on while being here, and it is so much less than what we would call “comfortable” in the US. I only actually need two pairs of jeans, or a few pairs of shoes. We are so accustomed to living in excess in the US, even with things like food, electricity and water. Just something to think about..

It’s hard to finish up a blog about an experience as large and influential in my life as this one. I think this will be my last blog on here, at least until I take my next grand adventure. This experience has been one of the best that I have ever experienced in my life. I have learned so much about myself, my family, poverty, community and God. I hope that when I look back, I can see that this was a turning point in my life, that I was forever changed by this experience.

Peace and love from the Dominican Republic for the last time.

A Catalyst in this Stagnant Generation.

There have been so many changes in the weddings in El Callejon in the past week. As of right now, none of the three couples are legally married and a new date for the wedding celebrations is yet to be determined. I probably won’t be able to be at the weddings, and I am so disappointed about that. For any of you who want to read the next few paragraphs, I’ll let you know about the messed up governmental system here and the reasons why each of these three couples are having so much trouble getting married. A little bit of information, each couple needs a valid birth certificate and their “cedula” which is an identification card. When they go to sign their marriage license, they need two witnesses to be present to sign with them.

Tona and Cencio are a couple who have been living together as a couple for 18 years. They have four kids and have lived in El Callejon for a long time. To marry them, we needed to get valid birth certificates for each of them, because they can expire. We got Tona’s last week in Santiago, it only cost 6 dollars. Cencio’s birth certificate does not exist, his parents apparently did not register him with the government when he was an infant. We have visited at least 6 different government centers looking for a way to get his birth certificate and we finally found out on Friday that the only way to get a birth certificate for him would be to go to Santo Domingo and have them make him one for the first time. That’s where it stands with them right now.

Kathy and her boyfriend are a young couple who recently moved in together. Kathy is the daughter of Tona and Cencio and she is only seventeen years old. Because she is only 17, she doesn’t yet have her identification card, and she sent away to get one. However, doing this will take 2 months unless she goes to Santo Domingo to get her ID number before they send it to her. Another thing that she will have to do when she has her ID is that she will have to go with Cencio, her father, to Santiago to have him sign a document, approving her marriage as a minor. Kathy is waiting right now and that is where it stands with her and her boyfriend.

The third couple is an older couple named Sila and Jose. They have two grown sons together and have been living as a married couple for over 30 years. They are the couple that is the closest to actually being married. They have all of their paperwork and have done their interview with the lawyer. They went to sign their marriage license on Thursday but their witnesses couldn’t make it so they had others come and the lawyer would not let them sign for the marriage.

This whole experience with these weddings has been so exciting from the start, but there have also been so many let downs and disappointments in the midst of it. I am so excited that there are three couples from the community of El Callejon that desire to follow God’s will and be legally married. Daisy told me recently that two more couples have come to her recently and told her that they are interested in getting married as well. The work that we are doing with these weddings matters and it is making an impact on many people’s lives. We had a talk with one of the leaders at the base today and he encouraged Daisy and Caroline in the work that they are doing in El Callejon and the work with these weddings. It would be so easy for them to get so discouraged because nothing seems to be working out correctly. I think that it is important to remember that we are trying to change a cultural custom, and change that big does not come easily. These couples are living together without being married because that’s what their paretns did before them and it’s also what all of the other couples in the community are doing as well. Many of Dominicans do not understand why it is important to be legally married, and I also understand so well now that many of them don’t want to go through the hassle of getting married. The government here is obviously not interested in helping people be married. It costs 2,500 pesos to get married and only 300 to be divorced. I feel like I have learned so much from this wedding experience, about patience, about perseverance, and about disappointment.

Last night we celebrated my sister Katherine’s wedding. One wedding I was planning on having actually worked out! It was so incredible. It was white and a dark red, the decorations were all so gorgeous. Some of the ladies made fresh wildflower arrangements for each of the tables outside, and they made walls out of palm fronds. It was actually really tropical. While Katherine was walking down the aisle in the church at the ceremony, she had a microphone and seven or eight girls in front of her. As she was talking, she sent each girl to Julio, her husband, with a gift for their marriage. She sent things like love, happiness and her purity to Julio through the girls that walked down the aisle. It was such a beautiful visual of their hopes for marriage. I have so many beautiful pictures of the couple and the decorations, but no time to post them, so ask me if you want to see them J

It was so weird to say goodbye to my family and my friend Amy’s family while at the wedding. There were so many people there and not enough space. It was chaos. We missed out on having dinner and cake, but we were able to visit with a lot of people too. I was kind of glad that our last day was spent doing something, because it would have been awful to have just sat around the house all day waiting to say goodbye. It was difficult saying goodbye knowing that there is a good chance that I will never see those people again, but I also know that I have learned so much from them and have had such an incredible experience with them.

Our last week here will be full of team exercises and debriefing. We are going to stay at an all-inclusive resort on the north side of the island. Going to somewhere really nice where they treat us as tourists is part of letting go of our time here and to help us start thinking about American culture again. I am so excited for our excursion today, we are going to a place called 27 waterfalls, where we will hike and do a number of cliff jumps during the morning. I am looking forward to spending a lot of time with the group this week and just thinking about finishing up this experience well.

It is so difficult coming to the realization that this trip is 4 days from being over. I have been looking forward to it for so long, planning for it, saving for it and now experiencing it. There will be a huge hole in my heart after finishing out this experience. It has been incredible and I have learned so much. I have been so blessed by my time here, I’ve loved every minute of it, well almost every minute. I wouldn’t trade my time here for anything and I would do it again if I had another chance. Being here makes me think about my future. Who knows, maybe I’ll end up doing something like this long term..

I am Seen, I am Known

Last Saturday, after our Thanksgiving weekend together I went with some friends to Santiago (a big city about an hour away) to just get away and hang out. It was so nice to be with some different people, because even though I love my group so much, I have been with the same 20 or so people for the past three months, so it was nice to have a change. We went to a mall, and it was so strange to be inside a place that felt so American. It wasn’t bad or uncomfortable; it just felt weird to be in a place where everything cost so much money. We went and saw a movie and went bowling, we did so much! It was fun to experience the Dominican with a different, smaller group of people and just be able to do what we wanted, not to follow a schedule or to get home by a certain time. Freedom, I miss that J

Last night, our group had a Christmas party together. Some of my family members will be glad to hear that I watched Holiday Inn and Elf and am planning on watching White Christmas this afternoon at a friend’s hose. I have successfully watched three of my favorite Christmas movies; I just have a couple to go when I get home. We made and decorated sugar cookies, listened to Christmas music, and had Pica Pollo for dinner (which isn’t Christmas-y at all, but it was delicious). I am getting so excited to come home and celebrate Christmas with my family. I can’t wait to get home and smell a Christmas tree, or see the snow (I’ll probably regret that comment really quickly). There is a “Christmas feeling” and I’m starting to have it. I’m also so excited that Christmas will provide a great way for me to see a lot of my family all at once. I’m praying that it won’t be difficult to have to make decisions about which families I have time to see, that’s the hardest thing about the holidays for me. I hope that it works out that everything is spread out enough that I can do it all. We’ll see I guess.

All of last week we worked on getting things ready for the weddings next week. There have been some difficulties that have come up with getting everything together with the marriage licenses. Each individual needs two things to get a marriage license: a birth certificate and their ID card. Some of the couples don’t possess both of these items, because they really have no use for them. We had to go to Santiago one day last week to get two people’s birth certificates because they didn’t have them for themselves. For another couple, the woman is under 18 so she needed to get special permission to get married, and it also cost more money. There have been a lot of legal complications with the couples, and I now have a better understanding of why people don’t get legally married here. It is difficult and expensive. They don’t believe that it is necessary anyways, so I understand why many people don’t bother. By Friday though, many of the problems started fixing themselves, with much work done by Daisy, and it looks like we should be able to have the weddings on schedule next week on Wednesday. I hope that they’re beautiful and that the couples have a wonderful time.

I have been making so much progress on the policy book that I am putting together for the social work center. I don’t remember how much I’ve written about it before, but  Caroline and I are working on a resource book that topically gives some ideas and Bible verses about common problems in El Callejon. Some of our topics are adultery, gossip and parenting. The book isn’t meant to be something that a person can hand out to another as “self-help”, but it’s meant to be a resource to start a conversation and build a relationship. The book itself is almost 85 pages long and it should be an incredible tool for people working at the social work site to have. I will format it before I leave, but in the future, Caroline will also translate all of our work into Spanish so that Daisy and other Spanish speakers can use the resource as well.

I think that one of my biggest fears about leaving here is that I will look back and it will feel like it was all a dream. I want to look back on this experience with clarity, remembering lots of the small details and the little things that made me fall in love with this place. I hope that writing blogs every week and keeping a journal will help me to this end, but I know that it will be different. Because Dominican culture is so far removed from American culture, it’s so different that it will be hard to remember what it feels like to live here. I don’t know what kinds of things that I can do to remember with clarity my time here, but I’m hoping and praying that I will be able to. I don’t want this to be a trip I took once, but an experience that changes me forever, a turning point. I hope that it is.

The next time I write, I will have said goodbye to my family for the last time. I am kind of terrified of this, because it will probably be goodbye forever. I hate goodbyes more than anything, and it will be so much harder knowing that it’s so final. There’s a lot of anxiety for me about leaving too because my family has started to put the pressure on about staying in contact. Katherine and Denise have started asking me about how much I’m going to call them on the phone when I get back, and this week I am going to have to sit down with them and be realistic about the fact that it will not be very often, if at all. The hard thing is that my family had a student live with them last year, and they still talk to that student probably once a month. First of all, I don’t know if I will remember any Spanish by then, and I also can’t afford to call down here. It’s ridiculously expensive to call here. It’s not that I don’t want to stay in touch with my family; I just don’t know if it’s possible. There aren’t really good alternatives to calling either, there is no mail system and they can only get internet at an internet café or something like that. This is just a frustrating thing that I will have to deal with as it comes up, but I am not looking forward to having that conversation.

At this point, with one real week left here, I feel at peace about coming home. I feel like I’m ready and I’ve accomplished all that I felt that I needed to here. We have about 5 days of team time and debriefing here after we move out of our host homes and it will be so hard to say goodbye to everyone in our group. 7 of the 15 people from our group are from other schools, so I know that I won’t be able to see them very much, which is so hard. It’s so strange to think about something like this coming to an end, because it will never be the same again. There will never be the same group of people in the same place ever again in this life, that’s so sad to think about. I’m starting to mourn the fact that this trip is almost over, because I know that I can never truly revisit this experience.

However, I am so excited to come home for other reasons. I finally have all of my Christmas presents ready to bring back to the states. Graham, you were the tricky one, as always. Talking with friends and family and being able to start making plans for when I get home is so exciting. I think that being away for this long and on this type of trip has really strengthened some of my relationships, or at least made me value them so much more. One of the things I have really missed being here is just being able to be with friends who know me well; who I am completely comfortable with. I am looking forward to just being comfortable with the people around me, that and having carpeting under my feet J

This week ahead will be a lot of “last times” for me, but I am looking forward to coming home and reconnecting with everyone. Less than two weeks everyone, prepare yourselves!

Guard Your Heart and Watch the Wind

This week has been incredible as life here always seems to be. I feel so blessed and excited that I am still in the process of making memories, and being intentional about continuing in my relationships has truly paid off. I haven’t checked out yet from being in this place, though it is so exciting to think about going home and being with friends and family for the holidays. I’m kind of afraid that I’m going to look back on this entire experience and it’s going to feel like a dream. I am so far removed from anything normal or familiar; that I feel like when I am back home and comfortable again, that looking back on this experience will seem surreal. Granted, there are absolutely still moments where I have a difficult time believing that this is my life and I really do live in this beautiful place.

This week in El Callejon, we had all of our Christmas parties. They were all so much fun, and it was great to see everyone dressed up with makeup on, looking their best. It’s interesting too to observe the women at the parties. There were some women who were there to genuinely invest their time in celebrating Christmas and their relationships. It was sad to see however that there were a number of women who were clearly there just to receive the gifts that Students International collected for them. Daisy and Caroline tried to compensate for those women who don’t attend class and just come for the parties for special days by making their gifts different or smaller than the other women’s.

All of the parties this week were really bittersweet. Although I’ll be working in El Callejon for two more weeks, we won’t be having any classes with the girls or the women. I’m sure that I’ll see them around town, but it won’t be the same because I won’t have time to spend with them as much. It was so sad to say goodbye to the teenage girls. I saw all of them twice a week for English class so I felt that I was able to build stronger relationships with them than I was with any of the other classes. At the end of our party, two of the girls specifically said thank you to me for spending time with them every week and being a good teacher. They then told me that they want me to come back in January to teach them and two of the girls said that I could stay at their houses if I wanted to. It was so sweet, and incredible to know that even though the girls probably didn’t learn a lot of English, they had a good time and we were able to get to know each other and laugh together.

Starting on Monday, we’ll begin working with the couples in El Callejon that want to get married. We will hold the weddings at the social work center during the week before I leave. Some of our preparations will be giving facials and manicures/pedicures to the women, as well as making decorations for the social work site to make their days more special. As of right now, there are 4 couples that are planning on getting married. If you think of it, if you could pray specifically for two of the couples, that would be great. The girls are under 18 and Daisy was unaware that it would cost significantly more to get a marriage license, as well as a trip to Santo Domingo to get special permission to be married. I hope that this will not discourage the two girls from getting married, because they are so young and it would be so beneficial to them to be in a more committed relationship. I am so looking forward to being a part of this journey with these women. Most of them have so little security and trust in their relationships that the fact that their boyfriends are willing to get married means that they are ready to truly commit to them.

This pattern of moving in with a boyfriend and never getting legally married is a thing that has been going on in El Callejon for a long time, and most of the people don’t see the value in being legally married. Daisy and Caroline’s purpose in starting to host weddings every year is to break this cycle and to help the women especially see the worth in being legally married. It will be more difficult for their men to simply walk out on them and their families, and hopefully the men will think more carefully before cheating, which is also a huge problem that couples face in El Callejon. Their ideas about marriage and relationships are so different from ours in America, it’s interesting to talk to the women and try to understand their perspective. The way I see it, legal marriage insures a sense of security and shows that both people are committed to the relationship. They don’t see it that way here. To many Dominicans, legal marriage is unnecessary and expensive, they don’t understand the deeper implications of being bound legally to another person.

Spending Thanksgiving here was actually not as weird as I thought it would be. During the morning I went to my site leader Caroline’s house and spent the morning with her husband Ryan, and his interns from our group at the microfinance site. We watched the Thanksgiving Day parade, the office, played Settlers of Catan and ate a ton of pizza for lunch. It was a very American morning, so don’t think I missed out because I was here. We went to El Callejon for a party in the afternoon with the teenage girls, but then we went back to Ryan and Caroline’s to hang out some more before dinner. We had the ultimate American dinner here at the base, complete with turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, corn, salad, rolls and pumpkin pie. It was incredible! All of the Students International staff was invited to dinner with us as well, so it was fun to talk with them and share the Thanksgiving tradition with the Dominican staff. We had a few minutes to talk with our tables about the things that we are thankful for, and I am amazed at how blessed I am. Being in this situation, it would be ignorant and obnoxious to not realize that, but I am blessed beyond measure in so many more ways than just having this opportunity and experience. We had some coffee to counteract the tryptophan sleepiness, and were able to spend the rest of the night hanging out.

For my day on Black Friday, we drove up to a beach on the north side of the island called Cabarete, which was so nice. It was a little bit touristy, but not nearly as bad as Boca Chica, which we went to during travel week. It was a perfect day to be at the beach, sunny but not too hot with a little bit of wind. I found peace in knowing that while many people were out in the cold shopping like maniacs to get the best deals for Christmas, I was sitting on a beach chair relaxing and enjoying the incredible people that I am here with. I definitely had one of those surreal moments where I couldn’t believe that I was there.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the Bible verse in Romans 12:18, which says “So far as it depends on me, live at peace with everyone”. Thinking about what this means in my life is really convicting, because it means that I need to do my part to resolve conflicts. I need learn to do the best thing in all of my relationships, laying aside my pride or my hurt feelings, which can be really hard. It’s so convicting in light of certain conflicts during this trip. It’s encouraging though because I know that I can only be held accountable for my part of a relationship. It takes two people to make a conflict, and I know that I can only be in control of my actions and beyond that is not my fault because I cannot change it. I don’t think that this is asking me to allow people to walk all over me or to not voice my opinion when I’m upset, I think it’s just saying that I need to be mindful of doing the right thing in all of my relationships, even when it’s really hard sometimes, just a thought.

As always, I’m so looking forward to seeing everyone when I get home in less than three weeks!